Sometimes, I see life as an endless journey. You just have to keep going, experiencing all the ups and downs, You project and hope it stops one day, but it never really stops until you are stopped. I have read many articles asking that question we all have in mind. When does it finally stop? Is there even peace after? Like when I go, can I just be allowed to rest? I mean, I don't even feel like existing on any other plane. Just let me rest.
Well, moving on; I lost my grandmother a few weeks ago and although contrary to what everyone has been saying, "Oh, she died at a ripe old age! Common, lighten up and find some money to celebrate". But I still did not know how to process her death. Yes, she was very old, but she was my grandmother! I needed some time to think, to just figure everything out. I miss her! I still do, even as I am writing this. You know what, that is the funny thing about emotions, especially when it comes to me.
I have not lived that long, but the few times I have lost someone close to me, I have not reacted the way everyone thought normal, Sometimes I am just bland, because I cannot find the words. Everyone seems to react in the moment; you know the wailings, the deep sighs, and everything. But the pain comes much later for me. Because, I start to feel the absence of this person, and I am trying to archive all the memories of this person, I can find in my head and you Know everything I can find to hold on to. Just all I have shared with them.
I think that is the painful thing about death. The finality it has to it, and its randomness. No one knows when it would happen, but you are sure when it finally happens, you are not coming back. It is just final, I would never see my grandmother again. Not in a dream, a trance or some sort. Not like I have dreams like that anyway. Just the other day, I went to see her and she would not stop talking and praying for me. I would never forget the smiles on her face when I gave her some money to make one of those sumptuous meals she always made.
But now she is dead, so there is no reason for me to go to her house again, They would probably sell it. I cannot hear her loud voice again, as she calls out to me or sometimes at the latter stages when she would sarcastically miss my name for any of my brothers, and when I raise eyebrows, she would scoff and tell me she is not that old, I am just the dramatic one. Or the times I would just bop into her house, ask for food, sit down and eat to my heart's content, or the many times she has gisted me about how her life has gone. Oh! The many tales. Well, I feel like I should have documented more of her stay with us, but that is for another day.
You know what they say about life, and all the good pleasures it has to offer? It is just a facade. You see life is just an endless sinusoidal wave. Ups and downs, and all of us just trying to wing it, and make sure we get a favorable ending. What is there to it? The joys, the many congratulations, the happiness that comes with every win, and the "Eeyahs" the many sorrys that comes with the lows. So, just how could one person survive all that without getting tired of it all?
Sometimes when I deeply think about it. P.s, please regard that "deeply" part, because I hardly want to deeply think about anything. It gets me in my feelings and makes me sad anyway, although I don't know about you. So anytime I have had to ruminate deeply on things, I come to the conclusion that we were not made to live forever. Maybe death as dreaded as it may sound is the gift that we will never come to appreciate. No one should have to do all these for centuries on end.
It is the gift that keeps giving, the peace and that lasting end we all dream of. So, I don't even think vampires would have existed. Imagine having to witness the early world wars? Imagine having to witness the rise of the German reich, and see it all crumble to the ground again. Imagine having to lose multiple loves of your life. Because you know, you are going to be living for ever, so you might as well want to get different loves for your every soul cycle. Or have to witness the death of everyone you call family. Just imagine having to witness a changing world, and the rise of technology, and all the impacts it has been able to make on humanity.
Grandmother looked so much at peace, more than any other time I have seen her, even when she was alive. This was someones that has had no cause to leave her house except dad decides to take her in his car, and make her see how her ancestral town has changed. And in that moment, I thought to myself, why are they crying? Why would they wish to interrupt a process as beautiful as this? She is finally at rest, we will miss her, but I think we need to let her go. She lived well, had a great life, saw many of her progenies rise, that was life for her. She enjoyed our company, and it made perfect sense to me.
For days on end, mum would not stop talking about how awesome she was, how she stayed with her and took care of us when she went off to get some additional degrees, how much of a great cook she was. Even though she bought lots of gifts to celebrate a life well spent, I can bet I saw her drop a tear or two. That was how good grandmother was. But I am super glad she got the rest she wanted, I don't know where she is now, but I am certain its a better place.
So, death may be that peace afterall. We are not meant to live for ever, Just live, love, and laugh. Enjoy all the memories with your kindred. Remember to make impacts while doing so too. Sooner or later, you would be gone from here too.
Photo Credit: Unsplash from google
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